Dinar "Gossip $ Fun" Thread!!!!

[motomachi]

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"


His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."


When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"


"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.


A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"


Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.


Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.


The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real *****this time.

[motomachi]

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.



After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.



"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."



Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"



"Well, in the beginning they flipped a coin,


one team got it and then for the rest of the game,


all they kept screaming was:


"Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!"


I'm like...


Helloooooo?


It's only 25 cents!!!!

[motomachi]

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".


The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.


Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday

[nikki]

My dog LOLA

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog Lola
and was in
line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog........Duh! I
was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was
starting The
Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd
ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an
intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IV's in
both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally
buying it. I
told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way
it works is
to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two
every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was
by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified,
she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was
that why I
ended up in the hospital? I said no.....I'd been sitting in the
street
licking my butt when a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was
going to
have to be carried out the door.

[coolhand009]

I JUST GOT MY NEW CREDIT CARD FROM BANK OF IRAQ!!

[nikki]

Senior cunning..........


A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.


One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, " Uh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"


Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!





Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullcrap and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[neno]

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"












"Don't what? "
Adam replied.










"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.








"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit! "







" No Way! "


"Yes way! "






"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
said God.










"Why ? "






"Because I am your Father and I said so! "

God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.










"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.








"Then why did you? "
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.






"She started it! "
Adam said.







"Did not! "







"Did too! "





"DID NOT! "





Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.









BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children
wisdom

and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?








THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.









2 Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.








3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.








4. Children seldom misquote you

In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.








5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.

















ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.








AND FIN ALLY:








IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

















"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

Quick,
send this on to ten people
within the next five minutes.

Nothing will happen if you don't,
but if you do,
ten people will be laughing!

[Countrygirl70]

Thanks Neno. This is exactly what I needed to read. Tension lifted. Wish I had read it before I burned the beans. I was into the Think Thread looking for "good, good, good" news.

[boomcreek]

Awesome, Neno! Great job!

[Alphamystic]