Thread: Good Joke

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!

Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"

Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!

Can u believe what people do in the church these days?

I was in the church listening tothe priest's sermon when i saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church.

I was so amazed that i didn't know when the bottle of beer i was holding fell on the floor.

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman.The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

One cold winter day a couple of kids were playing hockey on Lake
Ontario and a vicious dog ran up and started biting one of the
kids' legs. Thinking fast the other kids took his hockey stick
and started beating the dog until it was dead.
A news reporter for the Toronto Sun was walking by and saw the
entire incident and came runny up to the kids. He pulled out his
memo book and starts writing: "Little Leafs fan saves boy from
vicious dog." The boy said, "I'm not a Leaf fan."
The reporter said, "Oh since you lived in Toronto I just figured
you were," and crosses out what he had written and started to
write again: "Little Blue Jays fan saves boy from vicious dog."
And again the boy said, "I'm not a Blue Jay's fan."
The reporter thinks for a minute and said, "Oh since you live in
Toronto I figured you were either a Jays fan or a Leafs fan, who
do you cheer for?" The boy replied, "I'm a Habs fan." So the
reporter flipped to a different page and started to write:
"Little French bastard kills beloved family pet."

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system
saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board
from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten
minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be
boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you
for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

Recently I was watching a Ricki Lake show and like all talk
shows it shows ads for upcoming shows. The ad for this was
asking for teens to call in if they had a deep dark secret they
were keeping from their parents and wanted to reveal it. But at
the bottom of the screen it states that, you must be over 18 to
call. Know many teens over 18?

At the movie theater there was a man laying across two seats. The usher comes down and says "Excuse me sir but you can only use one seat, I'm going to have to ask you to move." The man just grunts. The usher says again "Sir, if you don't move I will have to call the manager." Again the man just grunts. So the usher goes to get the manager. the manager says "Sir, if you don't move I will have to call the police, so I suggest you move". But once again the man only grunts. So the manager calls the police. The police come and say to the man "OK, what's your name?" The man replies "Joe" Then the police officer says "And Joe, where did you come from?" The man painfully answers, "the balcony"

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"
The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days . . . and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!