A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?'
'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'
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A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?'
'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'
a-ha-ha
good joke
and wat about this...
Santa was travelling in train. A woman sat on his son's birth and didn't get up..
Santa shouted: "THIS LADY IS NOT GIVING BIRTH TO MY CHILD"..
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them."
One Of The Best Quote,
Always have a
BACKUP
BEFORE
BREAKUP! :p
hmmm very nice.
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper
so I would be in ur hands allday.
Husband: I too wish that u were
a newspapers so I could have
a new one everyday.
Boss : why do you want some off time tomorrow.
Ali : I want to be married .
Boss : who stupid girl is being married with you.
Ali : she is yours daughter sir.
Newtons Universal Law Of Love:
Every boy on earth is attracted towards a girl
with a force directly proportional to the figure of the girl
and
Inversely proportional to strength of her brother..!!
Did You Know . . .?
That
"HEELS" Are Man's Invention
To Make It Harder For A
Woman To Run Away.
Life is Short, Live it!
Love is Small, Flirt it!
Troubles are Momentary, Face it!
Memories are Sweet, Cherish it!
I'm too Good, Accept it!
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush
Once I asked my wife that “husband is like a white wine which is more precious as time passes” very next day she locked me in cellar
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?" "What did he say? What's he want?" His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
THere was a blonde a burnett and a red head on top of a burning building. The firemen were standing at the bottom of the building with a sheet and they yelled to the burnett "jump and we will catch you' so she jumped and the firemen moved the sheet and she went flat on the ground. THey then said to the red head 'its your turn now jump and we'll catch you' she replied 'im not stupid i saw what you did to her' they replied 'no we just dont like red heads' so she jumped and they moved the sheet and she went splat on the ground. They then said to the blonde 'its your turn now' she said 'im not stupid i saw what you did to the other two, put the sheet down and walk away'
Difference b/w shit & Oohh shit:
.
A boy Threw a love letter to a girl
.
but it fell on her brother..
Shittt!
.
And Her brother was GAY..
Oohh ShIt
:-P
Last Day on the Job It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.
He replied, "Who said that?!"
Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."
The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"
The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!
Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!
Can u believe what people do in the church these days?
I was in the church listening tothe priest's sermon when i saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church.
I was so amazed that i didn't know when the bottle of beer i was holding fell on the floor.
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman.The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
One cold winter day a couple of kids were playing hockey on Lake
Ontario and a vicious dog ran up and started biting one of the
kids' legs. Thinking fast the other kids took his hockey stick
and started beating the dog until it was dead.
A news reporter for the Toronto Sun was walking by and saw the
entire incident and came runny up to the kids. He pulled out his
memo book and starts writing: "Little Leafs fan saves boy from
vicious dog." The boy said, "I'm not a Leaf fan."
The reporter said, "Oh since you lived in Toronto I just figured
you were," and crosses out what he had written and started to
write again: "Little Blue Jays fan saves boy from vicious dog."
And again the boy said, "I'm not a Blue Jay's fan."
The reporter thinks for a minute and said, "Oh since you live in
Toronto I figured you were either a Jays fan or a Leafs fan, who
do you cheer for?" The boy replied, "I'm a Habs fan." So the
reporter flipped to a different page and started to write:
"Little French bastard kills beloved family pet."
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system
saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board
from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten
minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be
boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you
for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.
Recently I was watching a Ricki Lake show and like all talk
shows it shows ads for upcoming shows. The ad for this was
asking for teens to call in if they had a deep dark secret they
were keeping from their parents and wanted to reveal it. But at
the bottom of the screen it states that, you must be over 18 to
call. Know many teens over 18?
At the movie theater there was a man laying across two seats. The usher comes down and says "Excuse me sir but you can only use one seat, I'm going to have to ask you to move." The man just grunts. The usher says again "Sir, if you don't move I will have to call the manager." Again the man just grunts. So the usher goes to get the manager. the manager says "Sir, if you don't move I will have to call the police, so I suggest you move". But once again the man only grunts. So the manager calls the police. The police come and say to the man "OK, what's your name?" The man replies "Joe" Then the police officer says "And Joe, where did you come from?" The man painfully answers, "the balcony"
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"
The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days . . . and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!
Men are like Bluetooth:
He is connected to you when you are nearby,
but searches for other devices when you are away..
Women are like Wi-Fi:
She sees all available devices
but connects to the strongest one...
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"
The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days . . . and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try
the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing
whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just
hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the
green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, "Uh . . . you're
supposed to hit the ball into the cup."
"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.