Jokes both offensive and clean

Ok i'm an equal opportunity type a gal, so i've found a joke to offend all! LOL

Something to OFFEND EVERYONE!


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan



What is a Yankee?



The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?



The position of the dirt bag



Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.



What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?


Doughnuts



Why is air a lot like sex?



Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.



What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.



What do attorneys use for birth control?



Their personalities.



What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?



10 years and 45 lbs



What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes



Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?



Because those men already have boyfriends.


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?


Because they have cotton balls.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?" :rofl:



Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?



Everyone has the same DNA.



Why can't men make eye contact?

Because breasts don't have eyes.:blueh:



Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?



Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



Where does an Irish family go on vacation?


A different bar.



Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong".



What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.



What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.



What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".



How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?



Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!



What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins



"Y'all ain't gonna believe this s%^$....



Why is there no Disneyland in China ?



No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Where does a one-legged woman work?






I.H.O.P.



;-)

What do you call an army of Lesbians?







Militia Ethridge


;-)

Funny,

I have to say, thanks for the laugh, nothing better than laughing, good for the heart and sole, wish more would try it, sure makes life worth living if you can laugh your way through it. LOL

Good luck and health to all, Mike

Very funny, but why is this in the Dinar forum?


I'll have it relocated - YB.

Hilarious...:rofl: I'll go pull out the other woman I have tucked away in the drawers... she's still in the office, the right sort that does the job of 5men...!!! If only she had an extra hand, I would present the scan right here and then...

BrB... hang on...you just won't believe how she looks like.:biggrin:

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel! quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
:eek: :rofl:

Just A Weeeeeeee Bit.....

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, " They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice ... pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well, "the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell .. cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck, ..."she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ...
pregnant when you met her."

:toofunny: :toofunny: :toofunny:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question

A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Via*gra, but his request was denied.

"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked. "It's not safe," the doctor replied.

"But I need it really bad," the man explained.

"My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."

"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.


When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin
Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Texas one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' (ready) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,"Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of the Alamo."

He replied, ''What's the Alamo?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.